SAN MATEO, CA. — Giovannie Espiritu’s name tells her tale of transformation. “Gio,” as friends and fans know the actress who has starred in the durable television drama E.R. and the critically acclaimed thriller Bones, no longer goes by her husband’s surname, Pico. “I am making a new change in my life,” she spoke of the phoenix on her back at a recent seminar on building healthier family relationships at St. Timothy Catholic Church in San Mateo. The tattoo is an inscription from 1John 4:18 to “remind me that love is not based on fear or intimidation. I am learning that I am worth treating with respect, to be who I was born to be: Giovannie (for John, beloved of God) Espiritu (filled with Spirit). “  

She was one out of every woman abused in this country every nine seconds.  Not anymore. She has become an advocate against domestic violence.Like many in abusive relationships, Gio mistakenly believed she was causing her husband’s behavior. He constantly criticized and ridiculed her, controlled her movements, isolated her from her family and friends, refused to work and terrorized her with threats and reckless driving. She didn’t realize he had learned to behave that way. She figured that if she simply tried hard to meet his expectations of her – as a wife, a housekeeper, a cook, a breadwinner, a mother – she would succeed, and he would eventually revert to the charmer she had married.  She was unaware that abusive behavior worsens and can turn lethal particularly when the victim decides to leave.

LEARNING THE TRUTH

Sensing Gio’s predicament, a concerned acting teacher offered her a book about abusive relationships, which opened her mind to what actually was going on and what could happen if she stayed in the relationship. That saved her.“I would be reading the checklists and be amazed by all the red flags and abusive behaviors I didn’t know were wrong and that were happening in my relationship,” Gio told over 100 people who attended the free event.  

Espiritu was the special guest speaker at the second “Pamilya Natin: Malusog! Mapayapa! Matatag! (Our Family: Healthy! Peaceful! Solid!),” a presentation of Cora or Community Overcoming Relationship Abuse in cooperation with the Philippine Consulate General and the Archdiocese of San Francisco to raise awareness of family abuse and how to help those in troubled relationships.
Espiritu thought parenthood would improve her relationship by enhancing her position in the eyes of her partner. Instead he escalated his control over her in the guise of protecting her and their son Sam. He prohibited her from driving or going anywhere by herself. If she went into town with him, he made her sit with the baby in the women’s restroom all day until he was ready to go home. She began taking books on the road so she could read while time waiting for him.

“At the time I didn’t know any of this was wrong because he didn’t hit me,” Espiritu repeated many victims’ assumption that domestic abuse is always physical. “I didn’t want to do anything to make him mad because when he got angry he got increasingly scary and now I had a baby I had to watch out for as well.”

Once her husband took her and Sam to the gym for his regular workout and ordered them to remain in the car. Unable to endure the broiling Sacramento sun for over an hour, mother and son sought refuge in the air-conditioned soccer facility next door to the gym. All hell broke loose when her husband found out.  

“The drive home from there was one of the scariest times in my life,” Espiritu recalled. She could do nothing right in his eyes. One time he hurled a log at her, missing face by a few inches and denting the doorframe in the process.  The couple went for counseling, but he quit after two sessions, prompting the therapist to advise Gio that because of his anger issues, “separation was essential to protect” herself. Gio heeded the warning and fled with Sam to her mother’s home.  She did not know where else to go for help. Her faith community provided little support.  

CHURCH, CONSULATE AS RESOURCES

A church elder’s wife she had approached for help gave her a pamphlet on how to be a better wife and told her maybe she wasn’t praying hard enough. The message contradicted the position of the Catholic Church, which has partnered with the Philippine consulate and Cora to conduct faith-focused seminars precisely to inform the faithful that abuse is “a sin and often a crime.”
“Scripture has been frequently and wrongly used to justify husbands dominating their wives,” Archbishop George Niederauer enunciated at the three-hour event at St. Timothy. “Violence and abuse, not divorce, break up a marriage. We encourage abused persons who have divorced to investigate the possibility of seeking an annulment. An annulment… can frequently open the door to healing.”

Cultural attitudes, like religious beliefs, can be either a barrier or a sanctuary to those seeking help, Deputy Consul General Antonio Morales stressed in his remarks before leading the pledge to help end domestic violence. Morales reiterated his office’s commitment to the campaign to stop domestic violence through direct service via its assistance to nationals program headed by Jaime Calano. The consulate last year signed a 12-point memorandum of agreement with Cora by declaring itself a community ally, encouraging and preserving the formation of the Philippine Consulate General Kumares and Kumpares led by Wilma Bautista and Ruby Balanban. Management, staff and adjunct officers attend a minimum three-hour domestic violence workshop during the first year of their tenure followed by minimum one-hour refresher sessions.

Pamilya Natin was co-hosted by ABC-KGO 7 News traffic reporter Frances Dinglasan and SFPD Sgt. Randy Caturay.  It featured Monsignor Floro Arcamo, Cora executive director Melissa Lukin and the Cora Kumares and Kumpares who gave a detailed presentation on the dynamics of healthy and abusive relationships and its effects on children. (Cora’s free and confidential 24-hour support line is 800-300-1080)